i wake up every morning having to decide whether to fight or to flee.
heart racing. cold sweat. scattered thoughts.
i finally open my eyes. it is 7:42am and anxiety woke me up before my alarm clock even had a chance to.
my mornings consist of when will this end? i need this to end. as i force warm tea down my throat and pray that this soon will pass.
you see, my brain has no off switch. no pause button. only rewind and fast forward of the past and future with no time for the present. the here and now is trapped by the then and when and chances of escape seem next to impossible. and my deep breathing and grounding we worked on last session will not work unless kick started by .5 mg of xanax.
every nail bitten, hair pulled, leg scratched, and tear shed is proof of it’s power and i need it to end.
i can’t breathe. make it stop. i don’t want to go. i can’t breathe. i can’t breathe. stop crying. i can’t breathe.
feet on the ground. inhale 4, hold 2, exhale 4. hand over your heart. you’re here. you did it. you’re breathing.
anxiety will forever be my alarm clock. but for now, i have pressed snooze. it is 8:13am and with every nail bitten, hair pulled, leg scratched, and tear shed- i have won.